Good god, I'm horrible when it comes to men. Or maybe just scared shitless of them. When I first became single about a year and a half ago, I thought being single was a tough job. I missed the constant source of affection and having a person to rely on every minute of the day. But eventually, I got used to it. A few months ago (after cutting loose a guy that played me pretty hard), life got busy, and I put men in the back of my mind. And then I realized -- being single isn't hard. It's so effing easy! Completely stress-free. No "Is he going to text me?" or "Is he really interested?" or "Do I even like him?".
I hate uncertainty. Especially when it comes to men. I can't participate in games or playing hard-to-get. If you like me, just tell me. It would make things so much easier. If you don't tell me anything, then I just automatically assume you're not interested. If you flirt with me constantly AND don't tell me anything... well that just leads to a frustrated and confused little me.
So anyway, I spent months in this blissful state of single freedom with no serious male prospects in the picture. Gosh, it felt amazing. And then Saturday night happened and I formed a crush. It is tragic just how clueless I am, sitting here on Monday night convinced that he is in no way interested and never will be. I am not sure if this translates into insecurity or just plain fear of inexperience. I honestly have no idea what to do or how to handle the crushes I get. I don't act on them, convince myself that they're not into me, and make myself move on. Perhaps it scares me even more that they will ask me on a date. The thought of going on a date with a cute guy is enough to make me panic. I don't know how to be myself when I'm nervous. I don't want to have to think about whether or not they'll ask me out again. I don't want to go through more stress.
So I'm going to sit here for another 10 minutes and see if he messages me on facebook chat. If not, it just wasn't meant to be (or I'm just the biggest most ridiculous chicken shit of all time. Or both.)
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