So this is what it feels like.

In July 2011, just a couple weeks after writing my last entry, I met the perfect man -- R. Well, perfect for me. It's fascinating falling in love for the second time. I was so much more cautious; I wasn't looking for a relationship at all. I was comfortable being single. Our relationship didn't start like I thought a relationship should start when one meets the love of their life. It was a Friday night out with him and his best friend (who I had gone on a date or 2 with earlier that summer), we had way too much tequila, and his drunk kisses were awful. I had left my hoodie in his car that night, and that's the sole reason I agreed to go out on a date with him that Sunday, July 24. Well, that, and to reclaim some of my dignity ;). In fact, when I told my parents I was going on a date, they groaned "Another guy?," and I was being completely honest when I said "Don't worry, I'm just getting my hoodie back this time." So needless to say, It wasn't love at first site... but somehow it was better.
There was something about R that wasn't terrifying or intimidating. Perhaps that's because I saw so much of myself in him. We had so much in common. We were both the shy, socially awkward type, and that put me at ease. He and I bonded over how similar we were in terms of our study habits and work ethic. Nobody had ever understood me in that way before. Yet, I still was cautious about starting a relationship, especially after what had happened with the last guy. When R texted me right after the date asking to see me on Tuesday, I replied "sure, just promise you won't get all serious on me," and he assured me "don't worry, I wouldn't do that to you." Let's just say that was the best promise anyone has ever broken.
It turned out that R was a much better kisser when sober. And holy shit did I ever love kissing him. Even early on, I knew I would never get tired of his lips. Slowly, we got more and more comfortable around each other. Each time I saw him, my feelings for him would grow so much more. And I trusted him with my life.


Fast forward almost a year later... 
I've never been so excited for a future with someone. I know without a doubt that this man will be by my side forever. I feel so lucky to have him, and it's the greatest feeling knowing you've found the person you want to spend your life with. I didn't think it was possible to have a relationship this perfect. A relationship without fights and arguments; a relationship where each partner appreciates the other so much, and let's them know every single day. A closeness neither of us have felt with anyone before. And somehow, just somehow, I know that it will continue like this for years and years to come. I love you, R <3

A few months wiser.

I have to laugh looking back on the last paragraph of my last entry. I've since decided that crushes should not be formed out of drunken nights. ;) I'm pretty sure I have the potential to like almost anyone with a penis (or even nice breasts) when I'm in my own little world of drunken bliss, but have learned that this will not necessarily translate into a meaningful connection when sober. (Yeah, this should have been obvious, but clearly I'm new at this stuff!)
I've had my fair share of rejection in the past year, but last night I had to hurt the guy I had been dating for the past couple weeks. He brought up some serious topics and the word "relationship" during only our second time hanging out sober and I instantly freaked. I was honest and two hours later, I had managed to bail myself out of that one. I just wasn't expecting him to take it so hard or to fight for me like he did. There is nothing worse than the guilt that comes with hurting someone you care about... I would so much rather be the one getting let go. I've realized in the past couple months that I can actually deal with my own rejection quite well. Moving on is becoming less and less difficult for me. Or maybe I just haven't formed any true feelings for anyone yet.
With the new dating experience I've attained recently, I have learned to appreciate how difficult it is to find someone you have a strong, special connection with. How did I get so lucky to discover that on my first try? In the back of my mind I wonder if I might never experience that bond with someone again...
But at the same time, I am confident that love will hit me again someday when I'm ready.

I suck.

Good god, I'm horrible when it comes to men. Or maybe just scared shitless of them. When I first became single about a year and a half ago, I thought being single was a tough job. I missed the constant source of affection and having a person to rely on every minute of the day. But eventually, I got used to it. A few months ago (after cutting loose a guy that played me pretty hard), life got busy, and I put men in the back of my mind. And then I realized -- being single isn't hard. It's so effing easy! Completely stress-free. No "Is he going to text me?" or "Is he really interested?" or "Do I even like him?".
I hate uncertainty. Especially when it comes to men. I can't participate in games or playing hard-to-get. If you like me, just tell me. It would make things so much easier. If you don't tell me anything, then I just automatically assume you're not interested. If you flirt with me constantly AND don't tell me anything... well that just leads to a frustrated and confused little me.
So anyway, I spent months in this blissful state of single freedom with no serious male prospects in the picture. Gosh, it felt amazing. And then Saturday night happened and I formed a crush. It is tragic just how clueless I am, sitting here on Monday night convinced that he is in no way interested and never will be. I am not sure if this translates into insecurity or just plain fear of inexperience. I honestly have no idea what to do or how to handle the crushes I get. I don't act on them, convince myself that they're not into me, and make myself move on. Perhaps it scares me even more that they will ask me on a date. The thought of going on a date with a cute guy is enough to make me panic. I don't know how to be myself when I'm nervous. I don't want to have to think about whether or not they'll ask me out again. I don't want to go through more stress.
So I'm going to sit here for another 10 minutes and see if he messages me on facebook chat. If not, it just wasn't meant to be (or I'm just the biggest most ridiculous chicken shit of all time. Or both.)

How it all began...

I have been a perfectionist since birth. In third grade, I corrected my teacher's cursive writing on the blackboard. We got in an argument about how to write the letter "k."  In fourth grade, I burst into tears and hid in the library when, god forbid, I got my first 'pink slip' for not completing a homework assignment. In fifth grade, I was reading John Grisham novels and The Hobbit. The last thing my Grade 5 teacher (one of my favorite teacher's of all time)  told me was to always "remember to stop and smell the roses."

I have always been a little clueless and all over the place when it came to staying with the times and acting my age. By the time I discovered my intense love for the Spice Girls, they were already old news. In grade 6, I  found it oddly intriguing how I could pull the froggy-print strap of my training bra out of my t-shirt and have girls scrunch up their faces and look at me with disgust, even though they were wearing training bras too. (I never really understood their problem.) If someone dared me to go up to the 'gross' girl in the class and kiss her on the cheek, I would without hesitation. I would also ditch the girls and their jump-ropes and play soccer with the boys every recess. And sometimes beat them up too. That is if I wasn't running around playing my invented tag-like game of "Humperdink." (Don't ask.) If you're making the assumption by this point that I was kind of an awkward child, you would be absolutely right.

My first crush wasn't until Grade 9... there had been a rumor going on that I was a lesbian before that. Of course, I played it up because I thought it was hilarious. I also sprouted some boobs out of nowhere, swapped my nerdy glasses for contact lenses, and started to care about how I looked. It was also in Grade 9 that I met (well, saw) my second crush for the first time. I guess you could say it was one of those love-at-first-sight sort of things. Incidentally, I was very practical at that age and I thought relationships in junior high were stupid and pointless. But I couldn't deny the intense connection I felt with the boy working at the bowling alley. After a year of eye contact with each other, we finally talked. Then he took me out on our (and my very first ever) first date. Two weeks later, I got my first kiss. Two weeks after that, he told me he loved me. One long rollercoaster ride later (4 years to be exact) we broke up. After five years of being intensely in love--and I mean the kind of love that most people think only exists in movies (an all-consuming, completely trusting and mutual, never-wavering, best friend, still-in-the-honeymoon-stage-after-4-years kind of love)--it disappeared for me. I lost the feeling. We were cuddling on the couch, his head burrowed into my neck, while I was staring at the ceiling wondering where it went. Wondering why I wanted to go home and watch TV and do homework. Of course, we didn't have the perfect relationship and there are a ton of countless other factors that came into the reason for why I then broke up with him, but that's really all that matters at the end of the day, isn't it? I broke his heart right after Christmas of 2009, and started 2010 as a single lady for the first time.

The problem was, I had never really been single before. It was like being reborn into a new world... one with a LOT of men in it. Men that I hadn't noticed before. HOT men. (Did I blush and mumble when talking to that suddenly dreamy guy last semester?!) I was in the middle of my second year of University and knew absolutely nothing about the rules of dating and flirting.

And so, with the dating experience of a today's typical 13 year old girl, I embarked on a scary path. And being the awkward perfectionist that I am (I was born like that, I swear!), it was definitely going to be a rocky one...